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DAY 35 (1000 WORDS, 3rd attempt)

Yesterday I wrote about my fascination with learning about spiritual ideas from different religions and trying to learn if there’s any common origin between them. Today I think I’ll write about another fascination of mine, which might not be as intense anymore, but is still a part of my life, and was definitely a huge deal for me when I was a bit younger. It might not be the healthiest thing to be obsessed with, but I gotta tell the truth. If you’ve read some of my earlier posts in this series of a thousand daily words then you might be aware of how I’m just recently starting to cut down on weed after about 15 years of daily use. These days that’s a big deal for me because weed has always been something which I thought I’d never really need to cut down on, but what you might not know is that weed is far from the only drug I’ve used throughout my life. In fact, my unhealthy fascination I mentioned at the beginning of this post is drugs. Yes, drugs in general have always been extremely interesting to me, and I feel like that is very intimately tied with my love for spirituality, philosophy and all things weird. I’ve always loved learning and researching (about things that actually interest me), and I knew that drugs were dangerous, so even though I was in the eight grade and still very young, I knew that I had a lot of research to do if I was going to embark on this path of experimenting with psychoactive substances, but I was determined to do it so I learned as much as I could. Weed was my first high, and at first I hadn’t decided to make it an everyday habit, but I was completely interested and started learning about it’s effects and even history. Since I had no tolerance at all, weed was super psychedelic for me, something that has never been the same after years of heavy use. I liked how it made me more aware of my thoughts, how everything i thought seemed interesting and meaningful, and as I started learning online about other drugs I naturally gravitated towards substances that offered the same kind of trippy, introspective effects, more specifically psychedelics. I became fascinated with mushrooms and LSD, and I don’t remember whether my interest in psychedelics or my interest in hippie culture came first, or if they both sort of grew together and eventually inspired me to try to live a spiritual or philosophical life. I’ve always thought of the world as extremely unjust as well, and I guess it was the whole anti-establishment thing which made me really like hippies, as well as their use of psychedelic drugs as some sort of sacrament to look within themselves and see what they could find. That life seemed a lot more meaningful to me than working for money my entire life, chasing more power and status. So I started reading countless trip reports on Erwoid, from first trips to heroic doses, to all sorts of combinations, so I was learning about more substances as I learned about mushrooms and acid. The trips were so insane, the visions people spoke of and the feelings they described were so interesting to me, and so I started asking people if they knew anyone with shrooms or acid I could buy. I didn’t have much luck at school at first, but I eventually met this kid, I don’t really remember how, who sold me some acid. I mean, he was a nerdy looking kid from my school, but I don’t remember how I knew to ask him or how our meeting came about. Anyway, I had some crazy acid trips, and from then on I decided to try all psychedelics. Although a lot of it was curiosity, I know that deep down I was never using these substances for the sake of “having fun.” I’ve always had a huge desire to search for truth, to find some truth that will help me live life in the most meaningful way possible, and I was always looking to have mystical experiences that I could learn from, maybe learn something that could change my life, and I can’t say that I didn’t find exactly that. I really think that tripping so many times since a very young age has a lot to do with who I am today and who I grew to be. When I started getting into drugs and drinking, outwardly I was trying to fit in. I was rapping about nothing, about being cool or whatever else I thought would impress people, trying to rock fake designer clothes and smoking cigarettes just to look cool, looking for fights. I don’t want to blame hip-hop because ultimately I was the one who was trying to copy a culture, and a pretty toxic one at that, but it’s obvious that the way I dressed and the way I acted in those days was was inspired by hip-hop. Who didn’t want to have nice cars and clothes and to have any girl you wanted? Tripping made me see the deeper meaning of life though, and eventually I stopped writing those types of raps because I started to see it as an art form, as poetry, in the way that even 2Pac saw it. I also stopped trying to rock designer clothes because I started to loathe materialism and completely rejected being someone who is constantly trying to impress others with meaningless things such as the amount of money or luxury items I have. Tripping hard really let me see that life is way to deep not to take responsibility for my life, to waste it on meaningless things. I started reading a lot of philosophical and spiritual books, such as Aldous Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception” where he talks about the similarities between reported visions of psychedelic experienced and the art and mythology of ancient religions like Hinduism and Buddhism, and this inspired me to learn even more. I’m at the end of this post and I really only got to touch on my relationship with psychedelics, which is one of my more positive experiences with drugs. Other drugs, like alcohol, I haven’t had the easiest relationship with, but that’s a topic for another day.

much love

~ rebel eye

DAY 30 (1000 WORDS, 3rd attempt)

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One of the first books I ever read which inspired me greatly was Jack Kerouac’s “On The Road.” I don’t remember how exactly I decided to read that book, but by the time I finished reading it I was determined to one day travel the world and find whatever was waiting for me far, far away from home. I guess I ended up reading On The Road because I was always fascinated with hippie culture and history, which eventually lead me to look into the beat generation and their literature. I’ve always sensed that something is off in society, and it felt really cool to learn about a group of people who one day challenged the standard way in which society worked, taking a stand against materialism and war, and embracing spirituality and community, living with presence rather than for money and success. As I’ve grown up, I’ve come to realize that I probably romanticized the whole thing way too much, and that, although their hearts were in the right place, it takes a lot more than non-conformity to actually make a positive change in the world. This doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like a hippie at heart. I’ve always thought that living life on one’s own terms, staying true to oneself, is what really matters in life, far more than success or wealth. Today it doesn’t seem like most people would agree. Most people are trying to chase dollars, to accumulate as much money as they can, living in fear of being left behind, of never having enough, of not having anything to pass down to their future generations. It seemed amazing to me, to read about Dean and Sal’s adventures as they made their way through the United States, hitchhiking, drinking and meeting new people. I wanted that so bad. They weren’t worried about the future, they were ecstatic about the now and going wherever life took them. I’ve always admired that a lot, having the courage to face the unknown and to really embrace whatever life has to offer us wherever we may go. I also have always been super interested in strange things, everything weird from mysticism to psychedelics, and basically drugs in general. I guess what both mysticism and drugs have in common are altered states of consciousness. I know there wasn’t much of that on On The Road, but that was even better because these guys were actually enjoying life sober, just high off life itself, apart from some beers here and there. Actually, now that I think about it there was probably more alcohol than I remember. I always wanted to live like that, and I’m a bit sad to say that my dreams of adventure haven’t really come true. I don’t mean to blame the world, but the fact is that the idea I had of the world when I was a kid doesn’t really match what I started noticing as I became older. The world now seems like a cold and heartless place, and it gets worse as time goes by because we are all becoming more isolated and divided. Rather than coming together and bonding over our shared consciousness as human beings, we close ourselves off from others because of things such as politics and religion. In a way I guess my dreams have come true. I travelled back to Honduras, my home country, and I met my wife Maria there, as well as some great new friends. I guess I just expected more adventure, more running around from here to there, more of a hippie life. Maybe I did get the hippie life I wanted, but it just wasn’t what I thought it would be. I did party a lot with a lot of people, using all kinds of substances, I had a lot of laughs over the years, but it seems like a lot of it was just super shallow, like there was no substance. Perhaps I was expecting too much, I expected philosophy, to find a deep meaning in everything, and instead I noticed how people are mainly focused on their day to day activities or on “making it” in some form or another. I don’t know if things have always been like this, but I suspect that the more we merge with technology, the more we advance technologically, the farther away we seem to step from trying to find any deep meaning in life, or even thinking about it. Maybe we all think about life and its meaning, but maybe we’re all too afraid to discuss these things with others, so we choose to engage in small talk instead. I realize that, over the years, as I started feeling like life wasn’t really like the idea of life that I had in my mind, I started closing myself off from life and people in general, and I wonder if this is what happens to many of us. Children are magic, they’re full of dreams and passion, they’re excited for life, they don’t need any external stimuli. They say what they think without fear of ridicule. It’s only when we start growing up that we start to see how the world works, and it feels like dreaming will keep us from functioning and succeeding in society. Maybe this makes us close ourselves off from others, further amplifying the feeling that the world is a cold and lonely place. I don’t really know, I’m just trying to make sense of it. I have to be grateful for my life though. I haven’t travelled all over the world as I wanted to, but at least I got to immerse myself in my own culture again, which I had left behind at the age of nine when my parents moved to Canada, and I even met my amazing wife there which I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. I also travelled to Brazil, where I met some family from my dad’s side, and I also met a lot of cool people there and partied in some beautiful beaches. I love travelling to places and immersing myself in the culture, and living there for a good while. For now I’m just focused on establishing some solid ground to stand on, trying to finally make something happen with my music, while I’m in Canada, but I really can’t wait for another adventure, to travel somewhere else and feel like I’m on the move again. I guess I’ll always be a hippie at heart.

much love

~ rebel eye