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DAY 19 (1000 WORDS, 3rd attempt)

I’m sort of rushing this because I have a half an hour left until midnight. I know I can make it happen though, so here I am. I’m also rendering the YouTube video for my daily beat, as well as setting up my new Arturia Keylab 61 to work with FL Studio. I basically got carried away and left everything for the last minute, since I was having so much fun just playing on my keyboard. It’s funny because it’s supposed to be the main thing producers work with, yet for so many years I was just making beats by simply clicking notes into FL’s piano roll. Anyway, since I just got it I’ve been having fun setting it up to go with my workflow, seeing how I can integrate it with FL Studio as well as my MPC. I guess I was just having so much fun that I didn’t really feel the time going by. Time really flies, and if things aren’t organized properly it can easily slip away from us. If we really want to have goals and set deadlines for ourselves we should focus on that first and then do other things we want to do. It can be tempting, for sure, to do what we really want to do in the moment, but over time we’ll probably regret not doing the goals we had set for ourselves, so we might as well do them. I guess what I’m trying to say is that long-term satisfaction is worth more than satisfaction in the moment. If we have a clear goal that we know we want to keep going then we should stick to that, rather than assuming that we’ll have time to do it later. I was just so excited finding the right set up for my gear that I decided to leave my goals until the end. Now I’m literally racing against time to write down enough words. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s not a life or death matter, but you all know just how shitty it feels when you’ve been succeeding at a goal consistently for quite a while, only to fuck it all up really quick and have to start all over again. It can get exhausting. So again, the wise decision is to take care of our long-term goals first. Amazing things require consistency in order to be carried out. Without consistency, everything falls apart before it can even come to life. This is why we must use our time wisely, we need to plan things according to importance, because if we develop a habit of procrastinating it can be extremely hard to break. Not to make excuses but I’ve also had a weird sensation in my chest since the morning, and I’m a bit worried since anxiety always makes me question every small sensation in my body, so for a while in the morning I was doing all sorts of things in order to feel better, so I wasn’t really in the most productive state of mind. Either way it doesn’t matter, because I did have a some extra time I could have used to work on my goals. Goals can only be reached with discipline, the discipline needed to put in the necessary time and effort into our work. Once you have a discipline going then it is easier to follow the road that’ll get you where you want to go. A lot of times we look for excuses because it’s easies to justify ourselves than it is to own up to the fact that we should be getting more serious about our goals, our dreams. I know we all live very different lives, and we all have different things that make us happy as well as things we suffer from. I remember being a kid, it felt good to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, living life in the exact way I wanted to without regrets. Everything changed when I grew up a bit more though, because I started to realize that life is an interconnected web, and that there’s a lot more to it than just fulfilling our own desires. There’s things that require our attention, we need to constantly work on ourselves as well as on our relationships. With everything we have to focus on as adults, it can be extremely difficult to find the time, consistently, to set goals and to make them happen without failing. I admit, sometimes I’m overwhelmed by how little time there is to do so much. Then I remember that time is just a construct, and that I don’t need to stress out about everything in life. I just have to prioritize, to do whatever’s most important first, then move on to something else, and so on. What gets done is the most important, and if there’s no time to do everything, then maybe those things that were left out weren’t meant to be done just yet. If we do something while thinking about the next thing we have to do, then we’re less likely to do whatever we’re doing well, because our focus is split between two activities, between the present and the future. We might already be planning in our heads just how we’ll execute that next task, visualizing it and perhaps getting excited about it. Excitement is good when it comes to our goals and projects, but we should be aware of too much excitement as well. Sometimes what is needed in order for us to make dreams happen is for us to balance them out with a bit of reality. Rather than working with the fruits of labor in mind, it would be wiser to just do what we’re doing as best as we can, and to later do the same thing when we do the next thing on our list. It’s good to dream and to be optimistic about the future, but be alert! Always be aware of everything you can do to make sure you succeed, and make sure to be actively working on these things so that you have the highest chance possible of making your dreams come true.

much love

~ rebel eye

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1,000 WORDS (2nd attempt): DAY 74: “The Trouble Is You Think You Have Time.”

Jack Kornfield said that “the trouble is you think you have time.” We all think we have enough time. We know that there are important things which have never been said up to this point, things which probably should have been done a long time ago. We know that we have to set things straight when it comes to a certain person or situation, that we have to confess the truth to them, but we are sure that doing so will result in a loss of pleasure to us, so we choose to hold on to a comfortable lie instead. Often times when we hurt others, we immediately realize, we come to know that we are in the wrong, yet we create the dumbest excuse to go on feeling offended and entitled, instead of owning up to our mistakes and apologizing. We are too scared to be vulnerable, too afraid of our own feelings to ever be able to analyze them properly, let alone those of others. We cannot apologize sincerely since we see it as a sign of weakness, of admitting that we are wrong, and therefore inferior somehow to the other person. Too many of us have killed our own inner child. We are afraid to live because we are scared to death of being less, being seen as less, of being seen as weak in this hostile world, of opening up to others and forming true connections. We have become so immersed in one thing or one kind of lifestyle, on our numerous distractions from our problems, that we fail to see the blessings all around us, and we fail to take action when it comes to things we know we should do or not do, things which we ignore for a while hoping they will go away. Soon enough we realize this approach just doesn’t work. Nothing ever goes away, we simply cannot run from ourselves, from the things that still haunt us, from the inner issues we need to resolve, as well as all the external ones. Owning up to his or her own mistakes is really a nightmare to someone who has adopted a victim mentality towards life and who has created the habit of complaining about the smallest misfortune, but to one who is connected to the deeper truths of life and what it means to be alive, this shouldn’t be a problem. When we are honest with ourselves and others, but especially with ourselves, about where we are going wrong, where we are doing the right thing and where we’re not, then we are truly starting our journey into self-developing. Nevertheless, it is only the start. Sometimes we can be brutally honest with ourselves about our shortcomings and errors, but due to our negative perspective which is so attached to physical reality we cannot make the necessary changes in order to truly resolve these issues. We let them linger on in our lives, affecting every new relationship or project, affecting all the thoughts that run through our minds every single day. We do not know how to tackle them, but since we think we have time, we do not even try, we just look the other way, we look for all kinds of distractions, hoping that we will eventually forget about the deepest truths of our lives. We cannot live in this way, fueled by ignorance and fear. We must understand and live by the fact that everything is cyclical and recurring, that there are patterns woven throughout the webs of history which connect the dots of human interaction in the most magical ways, completely unknown to our limited perceptions, and that the time to act is now, that we were born where and when we born to do things, to make our lives worth living and to fill them with meaning. We understand that all pain and pleasure will pass, and this is a constant reminder to us not to fall into desperation. Better days are ahead, but for now, there is simply no time to waste when it comes to the truly important things. Tell your mom and dad you love them today, make plans to spend more time with your siblings or with your friends you haven’t seen in a while. Get outside and meet new people, experience new cultures, don’t just spend the day looking at the same old screen inside the same stuffy room. Live! Get up and live! Lively yourself up, or “lively up yourself!” As the man Bob Marley would say. The world is devoid of honesty nowadays. We have all become addicted to our way of living and are afraid to give it up. We have adopted mainstream society’s shallow values, and if we haven’t, then at least we have learned how to pretend that we have. We have hardened our hearts and become cold to the love which is present within us all and which connects us on a spiritual level, on the deepest level of connection, if we would only choose to stop for a moment and pay attention to the now. Stop seeing others as separate from yourself and simply say what needs to be said. Stop seeing the future as a separate reality in which you will play a part. Your life could end at any second. Understand that the time to do what must be done is now. Do what you must do, and you will feel much better after! You will feel more confident for having spoken your mind, you will feel like a more open person, you will receive more respect and will be able to communicate clearly with the world. You will feel accomplished, and will be ready to take on an even more challenging task. You will be building your stamina and strength, your self-control and willpower. Don’t waste time. Don’t think that you will be able to do something only after you have done something else or become someone better. The time to take action is now. There will never be another time, since every moment is really Now. Tomorrow might never come and we might not wake from our dreams tonight. Life is uncertain, and things seem to happen randomly, but everything has deep significance. Have you thought about where you stand in this wonderful world, in the grand scheme of things, about who you are in this life? If not, then the time to start pondering these questions is now!

To be continued tomorrow, on Day 75.

~ Rebel Spirit

1,000 WORDS (2nd attempt): DAY 11: Productive Weed Highs.

So yesterday I wrote a bit about how, not wanting to quit smoking weed, I decided a few years back to try to spend most of my stoned time doing something creative, something productive. The reason I ended up writing about that yesterday was because I started by writing about the fact that, at least for me, weed shares one quality with psychedelics in that, in a very subtle way, it lets you be more in tune with what you know is the right thing. Things that I would ignore about my life would often become perfectly clear to me. One thing that became very clear was that I was spending too much of my stoned time just sitting back and listening to music. Now, don’t get me wrong, listening to music is quite possibly my favorite thing ever to do while I get stoned. But, you see, that’s exactly why I chose to cut down on that. I’m not suggesting that anyone should the the same, since there is nothing wrong with simply sitting back to relax to some trippy chill music when you’re taking flight! The thing about me is that, I really want to make certain things happen. I’ve always wanted to be a musician, and in fact I have a lot of albums recorded, some of which you can hear on this site by the way, but during that time I was no longer doing music. I was trying to find another outlet to express certain ideas about life and the world, since I was now expanding my horizons and beginning to learn a lot about spirituality, as well as living life in a much different way. I didn’t have many friends in Vancouver at this point, having been gone for so long, but I was enjoying this newfound peace of solitude. During the evenings and during my lunch breaks from work I would video chat with Maria who had stayed back in Honduras. We spoke pretty much every day, a few times a day. We couldn’t wait to be together again, and I was motivated to save money instead of blowing it all on drinking and all the bad decisions that come from that, so I was beginning to experiment with some solitude. The people in my life were my four co-workers at the immigration consulting firm, my parents back home, and my wife Maria on video chat (she was my fiance back then). I felt like I had a mission, I was a lot more mature now. So during those days of smoking at the New Amsterdam lounge, when instrumental tracks came on, by Ravi Shankar mostly, or some binaural beats which are said to be set at certain frequencies to relax the brain waves, I would think deeply, and it was during those moments that I began to notate my ideas on my cell phone notepad. I grew tired of this notepad since I had to press these small buttons and I couldn’t get my ideas down quick enough, and I also got tired of writing only when instrumental tracks came on during the general song library shuffle. So I started carrying my notebook with me to work and keeping it in my bad while I worked, and in the afternoon as I sat there, usually by the window, in peace, surrounded by other stoners, I began to write many thoughts down. Usually I would listen to “The Spirit of India”, the full album by Ravi Shankar, instrumental music, peaceful and serene. It got me in a relaxed mood every time, and I wrote all kinds of thoughts during those days. I wrote about my personal life and mind, I wrote thoughts on the world and life as a whole, thoughts on everything that came to mind, that captured my attention at that moment. I became fond of writing during those days, and I began writing a daily journal with diligence. I was determined to use my high times productively, to make the most of the creativity that the cannabis brought up from within me. It relaxed me and allowed me to write freely, about anything, whatever, just to write. It felt like the beginning of a new era for me, like something brand new, something fresh was beginning to blossom. Needless to say I’ve been writing in some way or another to this day. I simply can’t forget those days when I began this venture, the sitar sound in my ears, devoid of any words, the majestic melodies contained within Shankar’s masterpiece brought me to ecstasy as I inhaled huge puffs of chronic smoke, held them in for a few seconds, and then exhaled. I would feel my eyes close on themselves while I was only about halfway through the joint as I stared at it contemplating, asking myself “Damn, can even I finish this?” I finished every time, of course, but I can’t say it wasn’t always a challenge. In the end I always had a few pages written, and some ashes I’d have to brush off what I just wrote. The point had been to roll a joint that would be hard to finish, and that I had definitely done. This definitely allowed me to settle my thoughts and write with enough time not to feel rushed at all, the joint had to be just the perfect size, King Size, RAW. At a certain point the high and the music and my writing became completely merged and intertwined with each other, I felt the melody getting me higher and I couldn’t put the pen down! These kinds of experiences always put me in such an amazing mood. On sunny days I would look out the window at the park on Victory Square, at how the grass and the leaves shone brightly as yellow beams of light sparkling as if moved by the wind. On rainy days I would just watch the rain fall over the gray streets and that was satisfaction in itself. What I feel is good about such experiences is that they remind us of the beauty of life which is everywhere, in the seemingly simple things, the trees, the sun, the clouds, the rain. These beautiful things, God’s creation, constantly inspired me to write. It was like poetry was imparted to me by nature, in order to have it written in my journal. Maybe if I read back on that journal entry now I’d find myself in that timeless moment once again.

To be continued tomorrow, on Day 12.

~ Rebel Spirit

1,000 WORDS (2nd attempt): DAY 1.

May 13, 2019, 1:48 am. Sitting in my dimly lit room, finally starting to get some words down after just staring at my laptop for quite a while. I feel a sudden urge, an overwhelming inspiration to write. But to write about what? The issue isn’t really what to write about, but rather how to begin, or where to begin writing about it. How can I begin at any specific point in time when the message I try to convey is timeless, bubbling up from within me as an extremely powerful force which consists of all the wonders of the past and all the greatness that will ever come of the future? It is not only mine however; this force is impersonal, and it is within us all. It is the source of all creativity and progress. If I can’t accurately write about this timeless spiritual dimension which lies beyond and yet within all of us then what else is there to write about? Nothing else compares, so this is what I must write about first of all. Now, if the topic is so wonderful then why haven’t I seriously sat down to write about it before today? Why haven’t I used all this overwhelming inspiration to write every single day? Why did I stop writing only 8 days into my initial goal of writing a thousand words every day? The answer is resistance. There are various reasons really, but they all amount up to resistance. Joseph Campbell stated that “the psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.” I really feel I need to start being more of the latter than the former, as I often feel I’m going crazy from seeing so much confusion, if not in my own life and mind then in those of others. Due to all this confusion I’ve been letting resistance get the best of me for far too long. That’s no excuse, just the unfortunate truth of the matter. Humanity as a whole needs to be actively working to transmute all of life’s chaos into art, into creativity, but by doing nothing instead, or by panicking in the face of pressure and running away into the arms of comfortable pleasures that later turn into vices, we become paralyzed. Resistance becomes the ruler of our lives. I’ve begun to drown in the waters of life, questioning everything and reaching no absolute conclusions, becoming completely paralyzed by uncertainty. But the truth is no one needs an absolute conclusion, an absolute knowledge of life, in order to get started on any creative venture. I just finished reading Steven Pressfield’s ‘The War of Art’ last week, and it honestly couldn’t have found me at a better time in my life. Pressfield says in the book that from the age of 25 to 32 resistance kicked his ass all up and down the block and yet he did not realize it until after all those years had passed. Resistance is tricky as hell, and subtle too. I’m about to be 25 on November 25th of this year, and I seriously have been feeling like I need to get started, like I really can’t afford to stall this any longer. I’ve known that resistance is fucking me up and that I simply have to beat it since before I even read Pressfield’s book and could clearly recognize my problem as resistance. It was just an unnamed, negative force before then, yet I knew it was there. I need to move forward now and make a change. I don’t feel any regrets when it comes to my past, as everything is a lesson to learn from, yet I do have greater expectations for the future, and I need to change a lot of my old habits as well as develop a lot of new ones if I’m serious about creating such a reality. I shouldn’t mention the future though, since the future never really exists. I feel like the present is constantly being ripped away from us by the pressure of remaining alive and significant in a future fantasy in our minds. Even though I am aware of this, I’ve often felt like I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. It is in our genes to try to survive, and to feel as if our survival is more important that of others. The truth is it isn’t. We aren’t in any way more special than anyone else, and people are born and die every day. Do we cry, do we mourn for all these people? We all understand that we are all equal in God’s eyes, yet we would die only protecting our own lives and the lives of our immediate families, but never for the lives of strangers. We clearly favor ourselves, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with this. But sometimes we need to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of all, for our own greater good even, as we are not separate from all our earthly brothers and sisters, though it might seem that we are. I have always understood this, seeing a clear example of this in Jesus, who I was taught about very early on life, yet I have never actually put it into practice. What I’ve been doing for so long is simply surviving, wasting the days away in fear that things could go wrong if I try, doubting myself until the last bit of motivation is murdered within me, or even in fear that I might succeed, and that my life might be completely changed to the point where I can no longer handle it. Instead of living serenely in the present and trusting in life or God to take its due course, I’ve been living in a world of future possibilities, in a fantasy world. I’ve taken the comfortable route and decided to work 9-to-5 jobs one after another without putting any actual effort into my real calling, my writing, my music, my creativity in general. I’ve been focusing only on what works best for me at any given moment, passing time and ignoring what is meant to be my true contribution to humanity, the passion I hold within me and the talent that I’ve been blessed with. I haven’t been willing to sacrifice the petty pleasures and habits that hold me back. None of us have anything to offer the world other than ourselves, who we truly are. I haven’t always been true to my authentic self, but as of today, that fake me is dead, and the true me begins to rise from the ashes like the legendary phoenix. I see now that there is no time to waste, and that I need to put in some serious work in order to achieve my dreams. Time is ticking.

To be continued tomorrow, on Day 2.

~ Rebel Spirit.