500 WORDS, DAY 12: Infinite Possibilities, Overwhelming Inspiration

This is Day 12 of my current writing experiment, posting at least 500 daily words on my blog. This post follows the topic I wrote about yesterday, which loosely follows the topic I’ve been exploring from the beginning of this writing endeavor, on July 1^st.

• If you want to start reading from the beginning, go to DAY 1.
• If you’d like to start reading from yesterday’s post, here is DAY 11.

Yesterday I was describing the overwhelming yet inspirational feeling that accompanies a person’s awareness of the infinite number of possibilities that life in this world has to offer, as well as the pressure that comes with the knowledge that we can only ever experience so much of what is out there, and that everything that we do is opening as well as closing doors for us. Every single step we take is bringing us closer to a very specific destination, whether we are aware that we are heading in such a direction or not. This feeling of infinite potential is amplified when I’m super baked, where I clearly see that life is what we make it, and that I’ve been blessed with various skills and talents, or with opportunities which have allowed me to develop certain skills throughout my life. I feel like it’s finally time, like the realization, which has been dwelling in the back of my mind, has now come to the forefront and has become way too real to ignore. It carries with in a sort of existential dread and anxiety, a feeling like I have to start NOW, to get to it. There is no time to waste. I guess it’s an idea that has influenced my life so strongly up to this point, since I feel it so often, that I almost live in a fantasy world where I ignore that reality, instead choosing to follow my every whim and to ignore all thoughts regarding the future consequences of living in such a way. I don’t know if this constant anxiety is a curse I can escape without giving in to the rules of how the world works, and like I said, it’s a very inspirational and awe-inspiring feeling as well, so I’m not even sure if I would want it to ever fade away. I’m still trying to find my way in this world, as much as such a thing can even be accomplished. This whole situation reminds me so much of the absurd, Camus’ idea of the situation that arises when human consciousness clashes with the cold reality of life, a reality which, through no fault of its own, is completely alien to what you feel within, to your desires and your need to find meaning, or to live with purpose. Life seems so pointless and meaningless, yet at the same time so potentially meaningful, yet painfully complicated. To be honest, I wish I could hate it, but I just love it too much. Even beyond my musical or philosophical pursuits, more than anything I love spending time with my wife Maria, someone who has lit up my world since the day I first met her. I even make time to spend with my parents and try to enjoy it the best I can, even when we don’t really see eye to eye on so many topics. Time is the only thing we can’t get back, and I guess my life has always been, and still is, one big struggle to catch up with lost time, or to try to avoid it, to try to embrace it and control it. I wonder when I’ll finally internalize the fact that, although time may be an illusion, there simply is no controlling it. In a way, I don’t really believe in wasted time anyway. I get it, the end result of completing a project that mean a lot to you seems to be much more fulfilling than, say, scrolling on social media all day, but if that is what you decide to do with your time and you genuinely enjoy it, who could say that you are living wrong? Where is the line at which you cross into the territory of wasting time? How much time has to pass for it to be wasted time? Only you know what you are capable of, and what you wish to realize in this life. Who can judge you for spending your time how you want? Not everyone has the same ambitions. I guess the key word is “choose.” I think that, if you are going to do something relatively unproductive, like scrolling through social media, at least let it be because you have consciously chosen to do it, not because it seems to be a way to kill time, or because it is what everyone else is doing. Be careful with killing time, because there will be no way to resurrect it later on.

If you have a couple of minutes, please consider listening to my instrumental song ‘love & light.’ I appreciate you! Stay blessed.