DAY 36 (1000 WORDS, 3rd attempt)

Some days I feel like I can’t find the right inspiration to write from, like I can’t find any solid ground to stand on to make any sort of concrete point. All I really have are my own often contradictory ideas and opinions, which are colored by my own life experiences, my own confusions and my own beliefs, which I wouldn’t want to think are beliefs but I have to be honest about and admit they are. I think beliefs can be really limiting, because once we believe something religiously it becomes easy to shut ourselves off from any other ideas that might contradict our own. On the other hand, it seems like it would be really difficult to live life without any beliefs at all. Obviously there are things we can all tell are or are not a certain way, and it would be absurd not to believe the facts of life just for the sake of being open to new ideas. We all go through life believing certain things, and disbelieving other things, whether we know it or not. Belief gives structure to our lives. I used to think that I wanted to learn about everything, I imagined myself finding mystical truths of the universe while deep into mystical experiences, either induced by heavy meditation or by psychedelics. I even visited a Float Tank downtown a few times, always searching for some trippy meaning to life, as I mentioned yesterday. These days though, it doesn’t seem as fun as I’d expected. The more I spend time thinking about life and the world in its current condition, the more I realize how backwards everything is, how divided everyone is, and how it’s all going according to the plan of higher powers who wish to control us. The worst part of it all is that I often can’t say anything, and this is why I rarely write about this sort of thing, even though I always think I should more often, because I know that I’m part of the problem. I’m contributing to the destruction of our planet just as much as everyone else, because even though I see the problem, and I’m sure many others do as well, I don’t really do much to go against it. Why? I don’t want to make excuses but it really doesn’t seem like there’s much one can do. We’re all dependent on the same things, I need my internet, my music equipment to record and release music, my computer to write on my blog, social media to share my ideas, the customers who call me at work need technical support with their cable issues, some older people crying and obsessing over their TV’s because they have no other company and nothing else to do. Materialism is the religion of the modern world, and we can’t dare say anything about it because we wouldn’t be able to turn back even if we wanted to. It’s sad how disconnected everything and everyone is, and I really think it’s all deliberate. Things get more expensive but people don’t make more money, people can’t keep up, families don’t work because there’s no time to be together, kids go out on their own and end up on drugs due to lack of guidance or simply because they’re following trends and idolizing artists who glorify living like junkies and justify it just because they’re rich. Why is it that kind of music that ends up popular? Probably for the same reason we see alcohol and cigarettes in movies, everything is a business and everything is advertising. The media is also owned and it’s crazy to think that whatever narrative the people with money and power want to promote can be promoted with no problem. People vote but in reality everything is probably manipulated in order to keep people divided and fighting rather than waking up to realize it’s all just a show they’re putting on. So why am I saying all this? Simply because it just came to my mind, just like it often does. I kind of wish I could still feel like I did back in the day, when I didn’t really care about anything other than partying and being reckless and getting high and trying to hook up with girls. At least back then I could have fun, and I don’t recall feeling much anxiety. In a way, although I hate it, I’m kind of thankful for my anxiety now, because it really keeps me from doing a bunch of dumb shit that I know I shouldn’t be doing. I know I wouldn’t really enjoy living how I did back then if I was living it right now, but I guess I just wish things didn’t seem so hopeless. I used to think of the world as a magical place to explore, like some sort of adventure from a movie or a Zelda game, an open world with challenges to beat. It’s hard to hear like that when all you hear about is problems all around the world, knowing I’m already in one of the best places to live makes me even wonder what the point of travelling would even be now, even back to my home country of Honduras which is super dangerous. I feel like I don’t want any problems or even possibility for problems now, I just want guaranteed peace, peace of mind. Well, as I said at the beginning of this post, I have nothing to offer other than my ideas, even when they’re not too positive or optimistic at times. This is just a day in my life, a stage I pass through as I continue living and learning, and if life really is positive deep down, and good, then I’m sure I’ll eventually experience that, because I know it deep within, I know that life and the world are good, even if we haven’t created the best civilization on it, it is our fault, not the world’s, so I’m sure there’s still hope for recovery, so I’ll see where life takes me.

much love

~ rebel eye

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